We were born to have feelings. If we express these feelings in uncomfortable ways, it can ring alarm bells in our relationships. Conversely, expressing emotions safely can lead us to feel more connected, especially to those we love. In short, knowing how to express emotions gently is essential if you want to feel close to people and maintain your relationships. Love, appreciation, gratitude, pleasure – sharing these feelings builds bonds of love.
At the same time, stress can get the best of us, leaving us sad, scared or angry. In addition, personal differences and resentment are hard to avoid between almost two people who interact on a regular basis. Sharing feelings allows you to talk about the root cause and solutions of the issue. Solving problems together displays positive, collaborative effort. Otherwise, the problem may linger or get deeper, negative emotions may fester and both you and your relationship may suffer.
Not everybody is equally comfortable showing affection
There are many theories about why people find it difficult and how different it is culturally to show affection. Medical research also focuses on specific groups who have an extraordinarily difficult time with any display of affection, such as autistic children or children and adults on the autism spectrum. A major problem with many of these studies and theories is that love is a difficult thing to pinpoint.
How we express love is often heavily influenced by what we learn as we grow up. For example, if your family enjoys spending a lot of quality time together, you might value the same things in a partner. If there is shame in expressing emotions verbally or physically, this may continue into adulthood. But it isn’t set in our genetics – we can choose to do things differently in our adult relationships. In the end, we express love as we do, because that’s what makes the most sense to us.
Is it holding your affectionate partner, landing a big sloppy kiss, hugging your children or telling your parents that you appreciate them? Remembering anniversaries, thoughtful gifts, really listening to them or petting your dog on the head? Our different definitions of what constitutes loving behavior can make it very difficult to explain why some people have trouble showing affection. What may seem like a problem to one person may seem like a reasonable level of love to another person.
Why it might feel hard to show affection
Some theories suggest that gestures of love are often determined by our early nurturing. In families or cultures where love is more commonly shared, people show more affection. Others suggest that there is a gap between showing affection to different genders, especially in many Western cultures where cis-heterosexual-centric paragidm ensues. Girls receive more affection from boys, especially when they are emotionally distressed. Boys, in turn, can be told to toughen up when they seek affection. Although we think we are past gender inequality, there is evidence to the contrary in several studies.
This can be particularly critical when boys and girls grow up, because girls expect more apparent displays of affection from boys who were raised to give less. Women will argue that their husbands have a hard time showing affection and men will complain that their wives show too much. Research on queer couples includes some interesting findings regarding loving behavior in same-sex couples. In general, lesbian couples tend to display more affection than gay couples as arguably men are taught to be less affectionate. Although, needless to say, the majority does not define an entire orientation of people.
There are other reasons why people find it difficult to show love. People who have been sexually or physically abused may find it very difficult to receive or give love, even through simple things like kissing or hugging. For these people, touch may have connotations with violation and may not want to be considered abusive.
But simply, some children are less accustomed to love than others. Parents may love their children, but may have different ways of showing love. This does not mean that these parents love their children any less; it just means that physical affection is expressed less frequently at home. In general, what you witness as a child tends to have an impact on adult behavior, let alone the cultural differences and the social climate.
Remember that kindness and affection feels good
Many people, especially those who have been with their partner for a long time and have been experiencing monotony, reach out as they feel their partner doesn’t show appreciation or love, and as a result, their partner reciprocates. But often the problem is as much about how love is expressed as anything else. We all have different ways of showing someone we care about them. This could be called your ‘love language’.
The main ‘love languages’ people use are:
Gift giving. This may include buying flowers or chocolates – physical items to please your partner and show them you’re thinking of them.
Acts of kindness. This could be something like cleaning the car or shopping for your partner. Small gestures to make them happy.
Quality time. This could be putting aside an entire evening to spend in each other’s company so you can truly reconnect.
Physical touch. This could be walking, holding hands, hugging, neck massage. Sensual movements that will make you feel physically closer.
Words of affirmation. These could be compliments: ‘your hair looks good’, ‘I really like you in that suit’, ‘you’re a really talented singer’ or just affirming how you feel about each other.
Most people have one or two main love languages that they are fluent in in which they express their love – and that they most appreciate and understand when “talked” to them.
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